Letting Go.

Maybe I’ll be doing this regularly. I think I should be doing this frequently. These past few days, I have been dealing with upspring of emotions. I was just in a sober thoughtfulness that seemed incomprehensible, it’s kind of overwhelming by the way. My primary predicament is still a predicament for me. It’s like my heart is in a tug of war. I found myself debating to something I know I am con of it. That’s another blog anyway, I’m still waiting for the proper time, or think if should I, or not blog it.

Mamemimomu. I just wished my heart is easier to read like phonics. Guard your heart. I just pray that this phrase won’t be hackneyed for me whenever I hear myself reminded of it. It’s like a frustrated utterance. My heart pounded more and became morose. I felt sadness. Such an incredible sadness, hodge-podge desperateness. I just knew that on that moment, I had let the enemy controlled my thoughts. So I sighed, stopped for a while, shouted inside, and heard myself saying, This is enough.

It’s been always the same. Same problem over and over again, that I can’t seem to understand and learn from what I know, I already know of. Do I have to see my heart bruised? Won’t let, won’t let. Oh this fragile heart, how vulnerable it is, that any word said can make or break it. I just felt an enormous guilt, but I want to believe, for I am believing that His Grace is going to work in me (Titus 2:12).

I am barely moving, am I still tangled with someone? That I can’t give my full surrender of this area of my life? It’s been how long, since I am praying about this. I ask God to take it away, make my numb heart if He must, He comes in to rescue, but over again, I kneel with the same prayer before Him.

I once said, maybe I should meet new people. But who could ever say that these new faces we met will surely leave footprints in your life? Then there it is, thinking of any potentials among them. What the heck has gone over my mind? I should be thankful that I don’t even say it. Now watch out for it. For out of the overflow of his heart, his mouth speaks. ( Luke 6:45b)

I want to let this go. I want to end this now if it’s causing too much of my sanity, my heart’s state then I have to say goodbye now. To the feelings I’ve kept for how long, to the affection that I cherished deeply, to the sweet gestures and words that kindled my heart, I have to let go of myself now. To the dreams I had dreamt I pray for rebirth. I don’t want chest pains anymore, I don’t want to pretend to be insensitive. See I don’t want pretensions. If I let go of myself from this attachment I have put on myself, I can carefreely go on. I have to say ENOUGH. END. NO MORE. Now it’s my time to move on. How am I going to do that, now I know. SURRENDER. COMPLETELY. not partial. If this causes me to pull back, behind, crushed side by side, then I know it’s not helping considering this in my growth in knowing my Author of Salvation.

Dear Heavenly Father, now my heart is only Yours. Keep it to yours exclusively. I trust that when that right man comes, you will bring sensitivity to my senses. that it’s HIM. I want to honor you purely, solely, with full attention. Help me to trust in You completely. This I ask in Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Art of Letting Go